Do you want to be my lab partner? I think we could have some great chemistry together.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
You looked better when I was drunk.
"I now pronounce you dumped and single. You may now kiss my ass."
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
To get to the other tide.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
Did you ever notice that supermarket music is actually ideal for slow dancing with strangers?
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis...
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.