What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?
Let's do lunge together
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
What always goes up whenever the rain comes down? An umbrella.
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.