A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
The superconductor left without resistance.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Its not the length of the vector that counts, its how you apply the force.
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
Hey babe, wanna make a zygote?
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
"You crack me up."
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.