What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
I checked the meat thermometer, and you’re officially one hot bird.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
It’s a winterful day!
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
Your hand looks heavy. Here, let me hold it for you.
An error has occurred, please try again!
Oh sorry but my system can't process something beautiful like you.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."
The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."
"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."
"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."
She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."
"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.