“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams

With a calendar, your days are numbered.

“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”

Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.

India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!

I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.

Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.

Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.

What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator

“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”

—Yoko Ono

Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.

A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.

Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!

Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.

Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?

Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.

What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas

Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.

You octopi my thoughts.

Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.

My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.

What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.

What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!

“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown

There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.

What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”

"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers

I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.

I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.

Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.

This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.

My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.

“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown

Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.

What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.

I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.

Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.

What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.

'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.

What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.

What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.

Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!

"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones

How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!