My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.
If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I'd take my last breath to say "I Love You".
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
You’ve been here for short while, but my heart is beating really fast and I can feel some surface tension between us.
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
What are your plans tonight? I’ll be free if you’re feeling a little Leo-nly…
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.