The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
I’m thinking about buying a new phone because this crappy one doesn’t have your number in it.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
I stretched out my hamstrings, but every time I see you, I feel a tug at my heartstrings
If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...