What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell.
Isabell who?
Is a bell working?
You raise the bar.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you are Cu-Te.
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Mirra.
Mirra who?
Mirra mirra on the wall, you're the fairest of them all.
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
"I mead more wine."
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
Let’s make like an atom, and split.