"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
"You are so bottlefull to me."
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
Do you happen to know sign language? Because this is the last time you’ll hear from me.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
I think therefore I yam.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
"You can't sip with us."
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.