What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”

What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.

Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.

If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!

“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner

Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.

I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"

What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day

I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.

My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.

Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!

Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.

Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.

Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!

“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.

What is a car’s favourite bug?

A beetle.

“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears

What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!

The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.

What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.

What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!

Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.

Even The Beatles think that we should "Come Together." "Right now."

Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.

“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker

Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.

How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.

When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.

What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.

Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.

When a young adult goes to take a leak, does that mean they're a peenager?

"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney

You can be the queen of my kingdom.

I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."

Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!

What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.

Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.

Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.

The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.

Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other

You can toast my marshmallows anytime.

Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.

Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.

"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly

To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.

What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.

Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.

Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.