What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
Your treat or mine?
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
I feel like we're in tune
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.