Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
I could never Elea-gnor someone so stunning as you
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.