What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
Airplane food is always so terrible, so I always pack my own food. Want one of these chocolate covered strawberries?
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
I'd like to eat breakfast with you.
Can I invite you to dinner?
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
We bee-long together.
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
Life is brew-tiful!
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.