What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
You’re my lucky charm.
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Broccoli.
Broccoli who?
Broccoli doesn't have a last name, silly.
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be dead
Than stuck with you!
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
Did we fall from the sky? Because we look pretty broken up right now.