There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
The fact that I've met you shows that God loves me.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
Do you have the power of a volcano? Because I lava you!
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
How much will $20 get me?
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koalafications.
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.