Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
Did you hear what happened to the Energizer Bunny? He got arrested for Battery.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithfull!
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
Are you the World Cup? ‘Cause I get excited just waiting for you.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
As it snow happens.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!
You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
Let's boomerbang!
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.