Hey, baby, you’re not Paradise Lost, you’re Paradise Regained.
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
Want to lock our bikes together?
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
I'm sorry I'll have to confiscate your driving license...
Because you are driving me crazy!
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
You make me feel a lot giddier like I have eaten a box of chocolate.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
Is this seat saved? Because I am.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cantaloupe!
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.