"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
Try to take a tiger from his daddy's side, That's how love gonna keep us tied
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
As a flower cannot blossom without sunshine, I cannot survive without your love.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
You can take me home tonight, but only if Yuletide-y up your place.
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Howie.
Howie who?
Howie gonna hide this affair from your husband?
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.