Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Witch you were here.
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
A small step for cyan, a giant leap for bluemanity.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!