“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis