“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”

For you, I would slay two Goliaths.

Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.

What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.

Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.

How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.

I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.

A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!

How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!

Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.

If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.

I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.

“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”

"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."

I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.

I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.

“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock

How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.

Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.

How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.

“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”

What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.

I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.

Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.

A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.

“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson

What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood

If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!

Wait until you see my thunda from down unda!

“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt

I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.

My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.

Am I in the advanced class? Because I like to go hard.

“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest

The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.

Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.

“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis

Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.

What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.

What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.

Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.

Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.

Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff

Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.

What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.

My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.

Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.