What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
Would you describe yourself as a ternary? Because you have a lovely form.