I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
I accidentally pooped in my pants. Can I get into yours?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Aldo.
Aldo who?
Aldo anything for you.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”
You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
Roses are red
Violets are cheaper
If I leave silent voicemails
Please don’t call me a creeper.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!