"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
My love for you simply radiates.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d still only have five cents.
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
"You crack me up."
Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.
If you were even half as gorgeous as me, I'd consider sleeping with you.
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
Your eyes look like dark black holes, buI can't help but to be drawn in.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
Well well, you’ve John and got my attention for sure
If you were a tree, you’d be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.