What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.
You're like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
I can heartly wait to see you again.
Want to see the real coming attraction?
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
Are you a fairy? Because you are the fulfillment of all my wishes.
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
You must be the North Star because the light around you guided me here.
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.