I'm sorry but you need to pay your rent.
You've been living in my heart for quite some time now.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
You have been running through my mind all day.
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
I think you are just A-Cora-able
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
You're quite the catch, baby.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
Is it me or is there an interaction between us?
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.