You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
Call me Rudolph, because you just sleighed me.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
Air resistance is a real drag.
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
It’s time to say Versailles to France.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!