The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
I'm not a professional referee, but please can I have your name and number?
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
Know what? I dig you, really!
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.
We’re mint to be.
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
(On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
Anything is popsicle during summer!
You are pitcher perfect.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles