“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
Young goats should be careful when they're out and and about and shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.
That's how you get kidnapped.
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
I’m feelin’ pine.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
You can stand under my umbrella.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy.
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.