"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
I really caribou-t you.
Just call me milk. I'll do your body good.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
If looks could kill you, you’d surely be a weapon of mass destruction.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
You're not allowed to use your hands in this game.
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you until I'm sixty-four!