Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
Til death do us part and then some, dear.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
"You deserve better and so do I."
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran my boat into yours. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
Can you tell me the oxidation state of this atom? If you can’t, then you can tell me your phone number instead?
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
I think I glove you.
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
"Hey babe, you heard of the movie 'Other people?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think we should see it."
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
Salty but sweet.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.