Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
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Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.
You’re the batteries to my flashlight.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.