The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
I love you and I ain’t lion.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
My love for you is so strong it can’t be dialyzed.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.
His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.
As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.
For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.
- Max Scratchman
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
Why couldn't the man 3D printing his face control his excitement?
He was getting a head of himself
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
See snow evil, hear snow evil.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.