Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Can I call you "whom"? Because you're the object — of my affections.
Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
I wanna Margaret your Thatcher.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
70 percent of the human body is made up of water and im very thirsty.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
There once was a lovely young witch,
Who never wore a single stitch;
One Halloween night,
She gave quite a fright,
To some hags who had gathered in a ditch.
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.