What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
You must be copper because I could really CU ending up with me.
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
Roses are red, Violet are blue. What would you do. If I fell in love with you?
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.