What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!

You know, I've never needed a third base coach to wave me home.

I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.

Can I give you a hug to show you how soft my sweater is?

Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.

What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.

Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.

Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.

Turns out it was just a pipe dream.

What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!

You're a good egg.

"Nobel Prize for Mothers"

Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.

Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!

And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!

You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!

Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!

When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.

A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.

The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".

Organ donors really put their heart into it.

Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.

The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.

Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”

Needless to say I was in stitches.

What goes up but never comes down? Your age!

Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."

If you had eleven roses and you looked in the morror; then you'd see twelve of the most beatiful things in the world.

"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"

"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous

How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!

What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.

If my love were music, you'd be the most beaituful lyrics in the songbook

What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.

Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.

"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey

Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!

The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.

What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.

What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!

What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby

Are you a corn farmer? Because I'm stalking you

Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.

Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.

“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert

What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.

You must be a C major scale... All natural.

What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!

I’m so lepre-gone right now.

What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.

I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.

How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!

“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”

During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.

The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.

Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.

My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?

"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer

What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J