What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
Yule be sorry.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
Snow thank you.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
Are you a doughnut? Because I find you a-dough-rable.
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.