What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
Hey girl, these swimming pool lane lines can't keep us apart.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
Baby, you're a firework.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
Sip, sip, horray!
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
I can't let it be until I get your number.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
Are you the splash-and-dash? Because you've got my heart beating.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”