What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
Can I Alp you?
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
Readers do it by the book.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
“Dachshund Through the Snow.”
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
It's really hard for me to plan our wedding without your number.