“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
Here comes the sun of my life
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
There's side view, rear view and you know what else?
I loview.
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
Do you have a quarter I can Bora Bora? I want to call my mom and tell her I've met the girl of my dreams.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
Did you get your license suspended for driving so many guys crazy?
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
You’re my heartthrob.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
As it snow happens.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.