Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
I want to stick to you like cyanoacrylate.
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
You must be mitochondria because you are the powerhouse of my heart.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
I'm using a bra for a face mask.
I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!
I’d hike every trail in the world if I had you next to me.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
Hey, wanna come to my place and observe something else that's constantly expanding?
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
You be the battery, I’ll be the aluminum foil and together we’ll light up the world.
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped