What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
You must be a sustainably farmed mushroom because you’re really growing on me.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
This may be cheesy, but I think you're grate.
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
Girl, it would be both a Crime and a Punishment if you don't let me take you out.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
“Feliz navi-dog!”
I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you're a bomb, Baby.
Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking