Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
Girl, have we both been rendered sightless? Because we ain’t seeing each other anymore.
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
Your voice is so a-do-re-ble to mi
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.