“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
Are you Jewish? Cause you IS RAELI HOT.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
I hope I'm on your list of things to pick up today.
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead."
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
All farts...are laughing gas.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack