Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
I lost my future girlfriend's phone number.
I think you might have it.
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
Water you doing?
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.