Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
Girl, are you a train? Because I choo choo choose you.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fangs
Fangs who?
Fangs for letting me in!
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
Let’s make like an atom, and split.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:
This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.
The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.
I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.
I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.
That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.
I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.
(By Richard Thomas)
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
My coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so I can't think of a charming pickup line.
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea