"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
(Staring at boxes of cereal) I treat all boxes with respect.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
Time to spruce things up.
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!
When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.
I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.
“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.
And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!
Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.
I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!
(Ilene Bauer)
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
Let's make some sweet music together, honey
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus."
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
What took you so long? I've been Kuwait-ing for you my whole life.
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.