What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
It was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
You’re like a pair of goggles; without you, everything’s a blur.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
Wanna meet up tonight? I hope you Leonard-on’t say no
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
Let's boomerbang!
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
I stretched out my hamstrings, but every time I see you, I feel a tug at my heartstrings
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
Say it ain’t snow.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
You spend so much time in my mind, I should charge you rent.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
Bad spelling makes me sic.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen