Ooh, you look boo-tilicious!
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
Girl you are like the sweet song of a choir.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
"Bugs and hisses."
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
You are my butter-half!
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
That's a nice dress — where's the rest of it?
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
I’ve always loved the name Alexandra. Should I call you Alexandra, Alex, Lexie, or mine?
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
Are you looking for a shallow relationship?
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
"Sip happens."
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.