When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
"We gotta get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini."
- Jay Chandrasekhar, Beerfest (2006)
Baby, meeting you was better than an NHL lockout ending.
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
For that special cashier:
Since you're checking me out why don't we go to the movies?