I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you're a bomb, Baby.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
Excuse me, I think you dropped something - my jaw.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
We’re a perfect mash.
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
My feelings for you have grown exponentially.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
Are you the Mayflower? Because you have been sailing through my head
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent